Keep your eye single and your whole body/temple will be filled with light! For, even in darkness, the light shines forever. A new day always dawns.
Herein is our theme for the next few days, starting today, Friday, November 5, 2021, a 5-day for the Fifth Ray of Unity, Integration, Transfiguration and Healing; under our beloved Hilarion, who was Plato the Greek philosopher, Paul the Apostle, and Charles Fillmore, who with his wife and soulmate Myrtle established the Unity Church of Practical Christianity.
This Fifth Ray focus is part of our overall emphasis and experience of our I Am power of regeneration that externalizes as our male or female reproductive organs. With our third-eye single on God and the I Am or God Self in all, we are born again, reborn again.
In our healing regeneration and rebirth, we are guided by Sananda-Jesus and Sol-Man/Mary, who are the Earth’s prototypical Son and Daughter of our one Father-Mother God, the ones we follow, cherish and serve with our whole hearts. Sananda is the Prince or Christ matrix of Earth, its primary wayshower. Sol-O-Man is equally with him, complementing and supplementing him in demonstrating love in action.
Praise or Betray
We also follow in the footsteps of Jesus’ apostle Judas Iscariot who portrayed the positive and negative, the regenerative and potentially degenerative, the uplifting yet at times downward pulling of our Christ power of regeneration.
For three years, he apparently praised and lauded Christ Jesus, and lovingly followed him — Jesus did not dismiss him nor did he leave. Yet, at the end of his life, he reached his breaking point and betrayed his teacher — he descended into the hell of his personal, mortal power trip. Horrified by his mistake, utterly filled with shame and guilt, he compounded his grievous error by hanging himself. His death wish overtook his life wish.
Yet, as given in Nada-Yolanda’s channelings from Judas Iscariot, we have learned that he has continued to grow in the invisible planes and is now a fully devoted apostle of Sananda, one of the twelve original apostles who along with Matthias (who replaced him) will redescend with Jesus when he returns in his light body in the years to come. (See MAPP to Aquarius, pages 79, 88 & 131.)
In our own renewal, we are ruby red, the bold color of blood, a true and vibrant red of life. In redness, we rebirth our light body on Earth.
In March of 2015, after MariLyn and I completed, with you, the Mexico Mission, I was bone tired but still exhilarated after four and one-half years of traveling around the planet, encircling it three times during 12 missions to reopen the 12 temples, one for each of the planets, and the 13th temple, that of the sun.
But there was insufficient rest because we learned that the property adjoining ours, about 55 acres, was possibly to be sold, with the potential buyer wanting to use it to set up a hunting camp, a place where those who rode their four-wheelers could come, travel around the surrounding mountains roads, fish and hunt, stay overnight or through the weekend, and no doubt revel in drunkenness and drugs and loud music.
So, Phillel and I, as Co-Executive Directors, as guided by Spirit, decided to purchase this property to preserve and expand our I Am Nation/Sun Temple forcefield. It would end up costing $228,000 plus interest, which we miraculously raised as so many of our I Am Nation family members selflessly donated large sums of money. Thank You, Spirit. Thank you, El Morya. Thank you, all citizens of the I Am Nation.
We closed the deal on April 5, 2015, paying the first of four installments of $57,000. Then for the next eight months, we worked diligently to come up with another $57,000 plus interest to make our second payment. It came right down to the wire, with two large donations coming only days ahead of time. On January 14, 2016, we joyously made the payment.
Before this, on December 6, 2015, in my early morning meditation, I was transfigured by a huge, about 12-foot-tall, being of brilliant light. It was Helios of the sun, who with his feminine sun-partner Vesta, had periodically contacted and worked through me from 2010 through spring 2015. His present presence was the most powerful yet — he glowed with sun-son light. It nearly took my breath away.
Two days later, on December 8, in a follow-up and confirming vision, a golden sphere that was about 1 foot in diameter, was lowered and anchored into my neck. This sphere/disc was similar to the solar disc disc that Helios and Vesta had given to, and implanted within, me in a series of steps during the prior four years. I inwardly sensed that they were the ones to currently place this disc in my neck.
The next day, I had what seemed to be the beginning of a head cold, with a mild sore throat, nasal stuffiness and discharge, even some shortness of breath. But it mostly subsided as I adjusted to the powerful golden sun sphere now within my throat chakra, my power center, that of will-respiratory system and power-vocal apparatus, muscles and limbs.
Talk and Walk It
On December 17, 2015, in the dark, early hours of my morning prayers, Sananda-Jesus totally transfigured me and then sat down on the couch next to me on my right side. I cried profusely, overcome with his loving Presence, his golden heart.
After composing myself and adjusting to his vibration, Sol-O-Man/Mary likewise transfigured me and sat to my left on my couch, my subconscious side. Her light form doubled or quadrupled the extraordinary energy of their combined forcefield, with my being the physical anchoring point. Again, as I sobbed, tears of joy flowed down my face.
In time, after composing myself, I heard them singing one of my favorite, old-time Gospel songs: “Walk in the Garden.” However, I did not remember fully the lyrics. “Dad and Mom” nudged me to go read them online, which I did. Oh my!
“I come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses, And the voice I hear, falling on my ear, the Son of God discloses, And he walks with me, and he talks with me, And he tells me I Am his own, and the joy we shared, while we tarried there, none other has ever known.”
Needless to say, I was a puddle!
Then, Jesus and Mary started singing with me some new and adapted lyrics: I come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses, And the voices I hear, falling on my ears, the Son and Daughter of God discloses; And they walk with me and they talk with me, they say that I Am their son; And the joy we share as we tarry here, all others soon shall know.
And then, together Jesus, Mary and I sang the song to these others: We walk with you, and we talk with you, and we say that you are our own, And the joy we share, as we tarry here, all of you soon will know.
New Imagination and Insight
Here’s my interpretation: In mortal consciousness, I am alone, or at least I feel that way. Roses signify love, which fills the Garden of Eden or Edenic, I Am consciousness. In cosmic oneness, via my ESP, I clairaudiently, not physically, hear the voices of Jesus and Mary who tell me I am their son, Soliel, which is my high Self name that was given to me in a vivid dream and in a later communion with Lord Uriel in 2013.
Zan-Landa, which I thought is my I Am Self name, turned out to be my soul name, like unto Yolanda whose high Self name is Nada. Zan-Landa signifies my crossing out of my karma from Atlantis, whereas Soliel is my transcendent identity, my spiritual Self that is at the core of my being.
“Sol” means one who shines like the sun, who is the son of Sananda and Sol-O-Man, who is my master teacher. “el” indicates my work with and under the Seven Archangels of the Seven Rays, like Michael, Hophiel, Gabriel, Raphael and Uriel.
Sananda-Jesus and Sol-O-Man/Mary transfigure, and talk and walk with, me, thus demonstrating their I Am attribute of power, which is a central focus of the fifth major initiation or fifth/minor phase of transfiguration in other major initiations; along with that of imagination that externalizes via the third eye/thalamus.
Sing our Song
In cosmic, Father-Mother-Son unity and oneness, we sing to all other children of God who follow in our footsteps, who likewise are to love one another as Jesus and Mary have loved us all, and still do. All in time are to hear our song and to be born again in its uplifting words and harmonies.
I Am to see the future as now, when Christ Jesus and Mary redescend in the light bodies to Earth. Plus, unknown to me at the time, I am to keep my eye single on my Soliel Self in my upcoming Fourth Ray decrystallization and descent into my lonely hell or wilderness of my selfishness and self-power.
Already, the next day following this communion, my nose started running more profusely, I coughed and hacked a bit, and I had some trouble breathing. My neck was tight and hurt. My shoulders hunched up as I felt the weight of the world, the weight of my Iscariot soul and that of others, weighing upon me. My physical symptoms reflected and revealed my soul difficulties with the will and power attributes, as well as that of imagination.
Transfiguration on the Mount
Eight days later, on December 20, 2015, I dreamt that I had teleported or ascended in my light body to the top of the nearby Pine Mountain. There I came into the presence of, and communion with, several ascended masters and “invisible” but clearly discernible angelic guardians, who sat together on some sort of board.
The angelic leader of this group powerfully proclaimed: You are to be a governor or director of this region that comprises the forcefield of the Sun Temple. You are to speak the word, to visualize the upcoming Second Coming and all that will transpire here in the next 333 years when Christ Jesus and Mary are present on Earth.
Looking out, I saw ridge after ridge of surrounding mountaintops, with valleys in between them, stretching at least 50 miles to the west. The first such mountain ridge was a deep, vivid green color, and the following ridges were lighter greens fading into blues. It was an incredible panorama, one that could not be physically seen from the peak of Pine Mountain. And all this area was aglow with brilliant but soothing, peaceful, loving light.
Interpreting this after awakening, while still in an ascended state, I knew that the board represented the Saturnian Council or Council of Seven, the seat of the Hierarchal Board who meets on Saturn. Evidently, some of their members had come to guide and instruct me.
The angelic spokesman was Lord Raphael of the Fifth Ray of Unity and Integration, Transfiguration and Healing. His input was the next step in my learning to, and working with, the Fifth Ray angelic guardians, both male and female ones. By then, I knew also that I, in my solar travels and training, had incarnated several times on Uranus, which is the Fifth Ray planet. I had learned there the higher healing methods of visualization, of receiving and sending out new I Am images to heal humanity, which I now am to re-employ.
But paradoxically it seemed, despite my spiritual and psychic elevation, my physical symptoms in the following days got worse. My nose became more clogged, I coughed more, my throat was scratchy and sore, I found it hard to breathe at times.
On December 22, 2015, deep in my morning meditation, I clairaudient hear a powerful voice say, “Break the stranglehold of negativity.” This proclamation had been spoken by Lord Michael, Archangel of the First Ray of Will and Power.
Moreover, the realization came that this negative stranglehold came in large part from those power mongers around the world and in the lower astral planes. Thus, part of the cause of my neck, nose and throat symptoms was feeling and reflecting their reaction and rebellion against the higher affirmations, decrees and visualizations that were being broadcast in and through me by the ascended masters and angelic guardians. This was what I called “blowback.” Symbolically, such dark souls had their hands around my throat, trying to choke me to death. So, I rewrapped myself in a cocoon of protective Christ energy and felt the protective guardianship of Lord Michael. In I Am consciousness, I started to break the stranglehold of negativity. Get thee behind me Satan!
Only later that morning did it dawn on me that my own negativity — my doubts, fears and worries about using my will and power aspects — had made me vulnerable to this psychic attack.
Drug Side Effects
Even with the above added beefing up of my spiritual understanding, projections and protection, however, my throat symptoms continued and worsened. When using a saline solution no longer helped my nose, I used an over-the-counter, neo-synephrine nasal spray, whose active ingredient is a synthetic analogue of epinephrine or adrenalin that is secreted by the adrenal medulla glands and which is a prominent neurotransmitter in the brain. The neo-synephrine shrinks blood vessel so less mucous gets discharged from the nose, nasal cavity, sinuses and throat. It also opens up the lung passageways such that breathing is easier and deeper.
But this only lasts an hour or two, and you are supposed to use the spray only 3-4 times a day and for only 3-4 days. After that, you have a rebound phenomenon, in which your nose and throat get worse, and your brain may go haywire. In my case, by January 2, 2016, it got so bad that I had been up almost the entire previous night, and I could not even carry on a coherent conversation with Phillel about my symptoms and their treatment. It appeared that I had “lost my mind,” when in effect I had lost the proper functioning of those sections of my brain that had been disturbed by the drug, such that my mind could not work through the cerebral computer station.
Furthermore, for a couple previous weeks, most nights I only had gotten t 1-2 hours of sleep at a time, and often just 2-4 hours total. Being sleep deprived did not help my mental capacities or my physical functioning. I needed conventional, medical help.
Healing Haven Hospital
So, Phillel and Marilyn, on January 3, 2016, took me to the Emergency Room at the North Knoxville St. Mary’s Hospital, about 45 miles south of us. Doctors and technicians there drew blood, took a urine sample, read a chest X-ray, and looked with their otoscope into my ears, nose and throat. Unexpectedly, they discovered that the sodium in my blood was quite low, 121 instead of in the normal 135-145 range. My attending ER physician said that such a low sodium would alter my brain function as well as other activities in my body.
So, he admitted me and I remained hospitalized for the next three days, receiving sodium and other electrolytes via an IV, taking sleeping pills to sleep (eight full hours the first night — what a relief), and an anti-anxiety drug called Ativan (lorazepam) which is a second generation of drugs called benzodiazepines, similar to the first generation drug Valium.
Finally I relaxed. Phillel, MariLyn and I all took a deep breath, and gave thanks unto Spirit and all the agents of Spirit watching over and working through us.
By the time I left the hospital after four days, my sodium had reached 130, still low but closer to normal. For a few days at home, I continued to take sleeping pills, use a saline spray, and ingest Ativan for my deepening anxiety.
I made an appointment to see an internal medicine specialist in the offices next to the St. Mary’s Hospital, who turned out to be a gem — highly competent and wonderfully caring. Given my still low sodium, he thought that I might have what is called “syndrome of inappropriate antidiuretic hormone secretion or SIADH (which stands for syndrome of inappropriate anti-diuretic hormone — which hormone secreted by the pituitary gland regulates sodium concentration in the blood).
Already, I had my own tentative diagnosis, whatever the physical cause of my condition might be: I had a past and current tendency to not be properly grounded, to not be the “salt of the earth” — for sodium plus the electrolyte chloride form salt.
Especially near the end of our 12 missions around the world, I had become too excited, too jazzed up, too much focused on the higher realms and too little grounded on earth, feet firmly planted here on Earth. I did not take sufficient time to relax, to absorb and to release the past, to rejuvenate my mind, body and soul; to rightly discern what I was receiving; to let Spirit do the work and the resting in and through me.
Return to Normal
After a full battery of additional tests, including a CT scan of my brain, which took about four weeks to schedule and do, the only apparent abnormality that showed up in addition to my low sodium was a small trace of blood in my urine, so my doc referred me to an urologist. Needless to say, I was filled with fear that I had prostatic cancer, since my Dad and paternal grandfather had had this.
But, after a CT scan of my lower abdomen, kidneys, bladder and prostate; a cystoscope to look inside my bladder; and a digital rectal exam to check the size of my prostate, my urologist concluded that I was one of the 10% of people with small amounts of blood in their urine which had no significant physical cause. My PSA was low, my prostate was only mildly enlarged, as it is for men of my age. In other words, I was normal! Thank You, God. And with ongoing rest and adding more salt to my diet, two months later my sodium came back fully to normal.
Overlap of 4th & 5th Phases
Toward the end of the above testing, on January 25, 2016, I dreamt that I was in Mexico with a spiritual guide or teacher, who looked like Raphael, who had been MariLyn’s and my physical guide when we were in Veracruz on the Mexico Mission. My dream guide, however, looked and dressed more like a Mayan or Aztec Amerindian. He was quite tall, close to seven feet, and carried himself with a great deal of authority and power.
He took me to a nearby corn patch that had seven cornstalks, each of which had a single, vertical, thick ear of corn at its top. Psychically, I peered through the green husk of each ear and saw what I thought were fully ripened corn kernels, therefore ready to pick. I said they had matured in four months.
However, my Mayan-Aztec-looking guide pointed my attention to the golden light around each ear, which extended 6-12 inches from the corn kernels, there being three distinct layers and shades of golden light in this aura. My Amerindian teacher said that the corn would not be ready to pick until it had gone through seven stages, steps or degrees of growth. Hence, now only at stage four, they were not fully ripe — I was just looking at the outer, physically manifested form and I was not perceiving the subtle, non-physical levels, auric or spiritual qualities. My mentor beckoned me to focus on the last three stages, and I started to do so.
By way of interpretation, I intuited and deduced that I was at the end of the fourth phase of my seventh major initiation of ascension and redescent, hence the alleged four-month-old kernels on each of the seven corn stalks. The 4th phase is manifestation and crystallization, the demonstration of our spiritual, I Am powers in a public, outward, physical way (hence the corn kernels); such as I had done during the four years from 2011-2015 during the 12 missions to spread the 4-step Christ matrix (peace, love, cooperation and coordination) to centers and countries all around the globe.
Raphael Leads the Way
Now, I am starting the overlapping 5th phase of transfiguration, in which Spirit opens anew my third-eye chakra/thalamus and I speak the word via my throat chakra/will and power centers. I am to rise/ascend to the top of the spiritual mountain, the top of the corn stalk that represents the spinal column, and thereupon to be transfigured by my I Am Self, space visitors, ascended masters and angelic guardians in order receive new I Am images and radiate them out to one and all.
In doing this, I am remembering and recapping my spiritual experiences in Lemuria, which Veracruz, Mexico represents, because it was, or was in, the radiating forcefield of the Sun Temple in Lemurian times. Much of this work will be in the silence, behind the scenes, revealing myself only to a few followers, like you who read and apply my blogs.
I need no longer physically travel to places where I already have been, for I am linked strongly with every one of them by invisible “cables” of light. What I see gets transmitted through the ethers whereby each such global cell or center or group of light workers worldwide will be uplifted and healed; especially those mental and physical physicians and other health professions whom I represent.
Note the name Raphael of my Aztec-Mayan guide in the dream. Lord Raphael is the Archangel of the Fifth Ray of Unity, Integration, Transfiguration and Healing, which is the central focus of my fifth step or phase. My dream guide appeared much like an Amerindian, who in prior days had laid the foundation in the Americas for the coming of the Christ teachings, as given by Sananda-Jesus, whom some Amerindians call the Golden One; hence the gold color of the aura of the corn ear, with gold along with white being the colors of the Seventh Ray. Amerindians are especially skilled at working with the devic-elemental kingdoms.
In my earlier dream, as shared above, I had ascended to the top of Pine Mountain near our property in northeastern Tennessee, and had communed with Lord Raphael who had given me new images for my upcoming spiritual work. This current dream thus was part of a series of dreams that confirmed what I was receiving.
Moreover, my current Mexican dream guide reminded me of a dream I had 5 years earlier on July 4, 2010. In it, I was taken to see and talk with a new-to-me Amerindian chief, whose nameplate noted that he was called Chief Osprey-xxxxxxxx, with each such x being a letter written in an ancient, probably space language, much like that which Nada-Yolanda channeled in the late 1950s.
However, this current chief did not look like any higher astral plane Indian chief, nor any such physical chief on Earth that I had encountered or Yolanda had seen and described. Rather, he wore unique clothing that was mostly white and gold, which reminded me of a spacesuit. He was maybe seven-feet tall, and he radiated an incredible presence of love, peace and power.
It was not until two months later that I realized that this chief was Lord Maitreya, who is the chief or Christ matrix for this whole solar system; as Sananda-Jesus is for Earth. The 8 x’s in my dream were those of the 8 letters of Maitreya. He is the master teacher of Sananda, and being on the Seventh Ray, he leads the way in the seventh step of ascension and redescent.
He is called Chief Osprey in the dream because ospreys, which are raptors who soar high in the sky, are found worldwide and are called “fish eagles.” Maitreya is a “fisher of men” throughout the astral and physical planes of Earth. Hence he works through the Amerindian chiefs or grandfathers in the higher astral planes and on Earth, as well as with all other light workers around the globe.
Twice in MariLyn’s and my travels around the Americas in 2011-2015, the first time in the Amazon Rain Forest in Brazil and the second time at Lake Placid, NY, I felt deep overshadowing by, and contact with, Lord Maitreya. Shortly afterwards, in both places, I looked up and saw a nearby tall tree with an osprey nest at the top of it, with an osprey and its chicks in it. I took photos both times. Talk about confirmation!
Now, Maitreya was guiding me in my next step or fifth phase of my seventh major initiation, which had started back in 2007, as described in an earlier blog. In 2007-2008, I had demonstrated my first phase of birth; in 2008-2009, I underwent the second phase of baptism with fire and water; in the third phase from 2009-2010, I passed through my third phase of transmutation that culminated in our mission to Costa Rica, which MariLyn and I thought was primarily our honeymoon, hence the symbology of Jesus performing his first spiritual miracle at the wedding of Cana, turning water (blood) to wine (Christ life flow). Costa Rica was MariLyn’s and my first coming forth publicly to demonstrate our spiritual, I Am healing talents in our first mission.
Focus on the Good
Six days after my Mexican-Raphael dream, on January 31, 2016, deep in my morning musings, I felt Sol-O-Man’s transfiguring presence. She clearly proclaimed: “You are such a good soul!”
In my current downward spiraling and decrystallization, just starting, I already had spent way too much time and energy focusing on what was not so good within me; my errors, fears, worries and such that I had been amiss in rightly demonstrating my I Am powers during the 12 worldwide missions. I had in essence been throwing out the baby, the Christ child, with the bathwater of dissolving and decrystallizing the residue of my soul imperfections.
Enough! I Am good because I Am of God. I have done mostly good and just a little bad. In this realization and application is my healing. So be it.
Finally, to cap off this new guidance about the overlapping fourth and fifth phases of my seventh major initiation, about 5 days later, Hilarion strongly transfigured me. He directed me to re-read his channeling on February 23, 1976 via Nada-Yolanda during the Healing Haven Conclaves, which discussed in much detail the overlap of the 4th major initiation or 4th phase of each other initiation with the fifth major initiation or fifth phase of each other major initiation.
In the fourth phase or step, we come forth publicly and manifest and demonstrate our I Am healing powers, which comes under the Fourth Ray of Manifestation and Crystallization. However, at the end of this public work, we retreat, rest and undergo decrystallization, the breaking down and dispersing of any remaining darkness that has surfaced within us. This also is like when following his baptism, Jesus went into the wilderness to face and transmute his temptations. In our decrystallization, we are all alone, as Jesus was.
However, in the darkness of our soul, we likewise see the light. For the angels and etheric masters transfigure us and give us new I Am images of who we are to become, images that heal our soul shortcomings and lift us into our I Am Self and light body. Even in the darkness of depression and despair, we are to keep our eye single on the light, the new image of ourselves as a good, holy, loving child of God, who is following in the footsteps of Maitreya and Sananda-Jesus and Sol-O-Man/Mary. If we do not do this, then we may end up committing spiritual or physical suicide as Judas Iscariot did.
All of this made perfect sense to me, such that I felt that I had seen the truth of my present condition and this truth would in time set me free. Yet, it was still just the beginning glimpse and comprehension of the big picture. I still had my doubts and fears that tempted me to give up and do myself in. It was still a battle of good and evil within me, of light and darkness, of Abel and Cain. The proof would be in the pudding, in the upcoming fruits of my healing journey.
Depression and Downfall
Thus, I became more and more depressed, despondent, fearful and anxious. I obsessed about my past perceived errors, and at times worried that I just had made up my above positive insights and dream and revelations. Moreover, I was “burnt out” from the prior 4-5 years, which of course colored my review of past and present experiences, dreams and communions with those in higher planes — I could not think straight. I felt like I could not trust anything that I received or thought. I was in the depths of decrystallizing darkness. What a scary, awful time and place that was!
My fears and doubts and self-flagellation got so bad that my internal medicine doctor, upon my request, referred me to a psychiatrist. I thought that it might be good to take an anti-depressant medication as part of an overall holistic approach to healing my mind, body and soul. And I wanted an expert in the field of psychiatry to diagnose my condition and to prescribe the proper medication. After all, I had trained for one year in medical school to be a psychiatrist.
But what humiliation this whole process was for me! Me, the Director of Healing Haven and I was going to see a “shrink.” Was I throwing myself down from the temple, or was I being wise as a serpent and trying to use the best of all healing approaches, including allopathic drugs. Who knew? I just figured that I had to check it out for myself and come to my own assessment as a result of living it; to know it by its fruits.
My psychiatrist turned out to be another loving, skilled doctor, who however had “shrunk” his treatment modalities to using only drugs, for what he considered to be brain disorders, not psychological, emotional disorders. No counseling, no nutrition or herbal therapies, no meditation, no laying on of hands, too little emphasis on the good effects of the medications he prescribed and too little attention on their multiple, debilitating side effects. Typical of psychiatrists today. He also told me that not a single psychiatrist in Knoxville, the city itself with its 180,000 population, or in its surrounding metropolitan area consisting of about another 720,000, did counseling.
So, I started taking the first of what would be several SSRI anti-depressant drugs that some 8-10% of the USA population now takes. These drugs delay the reuptake of the neurotransmitter serotonin, which is the so-called “happy” neurotransmitter; for when you have enough of it in your brain, you feel good, buoyant, relaxed, etc. (SSRI stands for Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor.)
But rather than my feeling better, I was swamped with side effects: tremors in my arms and hands, so-called acid stomach (I lost 20 pounds), insomnia, lack of muscular coordination, even greater anxiety and depression. So, my psycho-pharmacologist, as he proudly called himself, tried another SSRI. Which also didn’t help and had to be discontinued. And the next one after that caused so much stomach upset that I had to take a high dose of an antacid pill that is so popular these days. However, it caused me to have atrial fibrillation of my heart, which beat too fast and irregularly for 2-3 hours. When the drug in my system was excreted, my heart returned to normal. And this happened three times, before I was totally convinced that the drug was the culprit. And I stopped that anti-depressant and antacid.
Throw Yourself Down
Given all this and perhaps because of the adverse influence of my anti-anxiety drug, whose side effects include depression and mental confusion, I became so despondent that I actively considered committing suicide. Oh my God. Considering all my spiritual background, training and experience, how could I even consider such a drastic action, which I intellectually knew would compound my problem, not solve it?
Well, I would eventually come to believe that when I had screwed up in past lives, at one time or another, I had committed suicide, just like Judas Iscariot. For, even as a teenager, I had morbidly thought about suicide, and thought it was not such a big deal if other people killed themselves.
I never talked about this with anybody, but I always had had a deep-seated fear of, and even a desire to, end my life. Partly too, it was due to the emotional trauma of my young life, when my baby sister, Rosalie had died and Mom ended up in the mental hospital and received EST (electroshock therapy). I felt so hurt and abandoned then that I had decided I would never love anyone again, which in itself was suicidal. For without love, what is the point of living? One with a closed heart becomes “dead” to the world and slowly, if not dramatically, gets sick and dies prematurely.
I will say this too: being suicidal is not logical, rather it is soul-emotional. It happens when you feel so ashamed, so guilty, so stuck in the darkness that engulfs you, loosing all faith that there is any way or method to heal yourself, that you start thinking you might as kill yourself. Which of course means killing your physical body, but does not kill your pain or shame. But you simply don’t care. You no longer want to be here, to live in this hellhole of a place, and hope that if your throw yourself down from the temple, following your death the angels will take you straight to heaven, that you will return “home.” But instead you end up in another hell in the astral planes, and now you hurt even more when you realize what you have done.
Nada-Yolanda’s Decrystallization & Recrystallization
At the time, I barely remembered Yolanda’s trials, tribulations and triumph in the fourth phase of her sixth major initiation, which I had included in my Mark-Age booklet about her crucifixion-resurrection that was published in 1992.
On September 25, 1977, Yolanda dreamt: “Rhetorically, I was asked who I was. My answer was, ‘My name is Pauline.’ With that reply the entire image or existence in my dream split into smithereens. It was as though an atomic explosion had destroyed me and everything that was around me. I screamed, ‘I Am Nada! I am Nada!’ I became whole and the world around me began to take on shape and substance.
“This was extraordinarily painful and devastatingly frightening. But as I could see that the only way to restore myself and the world was by repeating, ‘I am Nada,’ I kept it up until everything continued to come back together and get cleared and sharper and more beautiful.”
Yolanda interpreted: “It indicates that the last step has been made in the decrystallizing of the personality and the reassembling of the high Self, in the tomb (sleep) state.”
A little more than two weeks later, on October 9, Yolanda experienced the last step of her decrystallization: “I did not want to live or to be. . . . In short time, I knew I am Nada and the only possible life that I can live is as Nada. . . . When this realization came, suddenly and miraculously after three hours of crying out in desperation and despair, all the crusts of my soul, all the shells of emotional protection dropped away. All the fears of my failures in the past, of all the rejections of this and past lives, crumbled to dust. I had no other choice then but to live.
“Life is! . . . The death wish is the final challenge of the soul to the spiritual Self, the I AM before the light-body control and manifestation can being.”
Descent into Hell
Please note, that as of this time in my own drama, I did not fully comprehend that l was to follow in Nada-Yolanda clear footsteps, to focus on my Soliel Self, who I Am. Only as Soliel would I be able to ascend from hellish to heavenly consciousness on Earth.
Meanwhile, in spring 1976, maybe April or May, I asked my psychiatrist to place me in a type of psychiatric hospital, where he with another shrink ran what was called something like “The Behavior Treatment Center,” because this place treated mostly those who were addicted to illicit drugs and alcohol. But, in my case, it was a safe place, where I could not commit suicide.
And besides, I would see my psychiatrist every day, if only for a short time, and he would have the chance to properly regulate my medications. Before this, I saw him every couple of weeks, and then only for 15 minutes at a time (no wonder his approach was so ineffective). And maybe now he or others there would provide me with individual and group daily counseling.
So, I voluntary signed myself in, only to quickly realize the first day there that I was in the wrong place, that I would never get well there. Looking at and talking with my fellow patients, I could not help but remember the part in the Apostle’s Creed that my Presbyterian Church attendees would repeat every week, where Jesus was said after his crucifixion and death to have “descended into hell.” Well, that was where I was, in a living hell, like in the lower astral planes.
And yet, over a week or so (I remained hospitalized for 11 days), I came to admire these addicted ones, for they had voluntarily committed themselves to clean up their acts. After a short 2-3 day stay, they would go to intensive, in-house treatment centers for 30 days to do the deep work that would be required so that they could go straight and stay off of drugs and alcohol. These were not dopers who were still out in the street, both taking and pedaling their nasty drugs. These folks rather were those who wished to be born again. Not that they understand or knew that they were children of God, but somehow they knew that they could grow in ways that we would call spiritual. God bless them! And I tried my best to help them in my sharings with them.
As for regulating my medicine, that turned out to be a bust. I started on yet another SSRI, at a low dosage, but which turned out to be as bad as the others. After returning home, within a couple weeks or so, I quit this drug and vowed that I never would take another SSRI, come hell or high water. There had to be a better way. Yes, they did help some people, but not me.
And thankfully, this new determination extended into my dealing with my death wish, my suicidal ideation, my insane desire to kill myself. My upward climb had begun, my rebirth was in sight, my Christ contractions had begun at the very base of my spine in my regenerative chakra.
That’s What Friends Are For
Through all of this, Phillel and MariLyn were most loving, helpful, supportive and attentive to my needs. Yet, they had little or no idea what truly was transpiring within me and what it all meant. After all, I was mostly clueless about this and I was supposed to be the expert. So how could I expect them, without any psychiatric/psychological/medical training to be more insightful about the depths of my soul suffering than I was?
However, their love buoyed me, lifted me, and helped me to do the work that only I could do in the dark loneliness of my soul. Without them as my best friends who laid down their lives for me, I may well have committed suicide; at the very least, the climb out of my dark pit would have been much more difficult..
In Phillel’s and my previous 40 or so years as Mark-Age staff members, he had seen me go through similar though less difficult cycles in the past, when I had fallen on my face, so to speak, and then doggedly crawled out of the hole of my self-induced darkness. He knew that I had what it would take to get well. He continued to see the Christ in me and treat me as if I was normal and healthy, not abnormal and sick and on the road to perdition. And that made all the difference.
Phillel loved me for who I Am and not for who I am not. Sounds so simple, doesn’t it, but it is the key to being a healer — Hail to the Christ in thee; I love You-you as a fellow child of God.
MariLyn was new to this, having not seen me going through such a down cycle, and this was the deepest and darkest such dark, decrystallizing cycle that I had ever experienced. But, she too tried her best to help, and did so in so many ways. But, the whole thing tested the very fabric of our marriage, which threatened to be torn asunder.
I felt enormously guilty for being sick and having dragged her into this mess of my making. But I did my best to get well. What she would do would be up to her and her own I Am guidance, which she was entirely capable of receiving and following. And through it all, I had no doubt but that she was doing her best to be a loyal and loving wife and partner.
Next week, I will continue this part of my saga, hopefully wrapping it up in one more blog. Thanks for listening so far and radiating your love to me even as I do the same to you.
Stay tuned for the uplifting, positive, transformative ending of this tale, this story of healing myself and others, and becoming love in action in a whole new way and purity. See you soon!
Peace and healing love be unto you, I Am Soliel-Robert with you as one in the One.